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  • Caroline Naughton

How the 12 Mystery Schools of the Zodiac Like Their Meals

We all have our special relationships to food, but they're not so special when we cut through the "mysterious" veil that prevents us from seeing our eating rituals for what they truly are. That's okay; we don't need to be so special. We have more in common with our food than we might think. So, how does one get initiated into these mysteries in the first place?


The Aries Mystery School teaches you that food is to be fought for. It is to be conquered swiftly and honorably. To eat the Aries way is to be on a mission to do it best. Quick pro-tip: Blend up a smoothie to go so you can get back to serving your purpose on the battlefield. Plus, you don't even have to take the time to chew.


The Taurus Mystery School teaches you expert culinary skills so that you can craft an intricate display of art on the dinner table. You must savor every flavor on the tip of your lips before chewing, and when you do finally use your teeth, go softly. To eat the Taurus way is to be seduced by your food, allowing yourself to receive each note of the sensational chorus in your mouth.


The Gemini Mystery School teaches you that nothing tastes as good as it seems in this world of duality. If it's sweet, at least it's not sour. Or perhaps the only reason it's sweet is because it's not sour. To eat the Gemini way is to make everything in pairs and arrange them in dialogue with one another. If you're cheffing up a Gemini meal, you can't make one thing without the other. Oh, and make sure humor has a seat at the table.


The Cancer Mystery School teaches you to prepare meals for the entire tribe. You'll learn to serve your family and children their food first, like a good mama/papa bear. You might draw on recipes reminiscent of childhood, or even food that smells like your mother's perfume. Papaya is nostalgic of the womb; just be careful not to scrape out the placenta with the seeds. And if you're feeling up to the task, drink enough water with your meal so that you'll bloat and get impregnated with a food baby! Oh, and don't be afraid to put your cold-pressed orange juice in a sippy cup, child.


The Leo Mystery School teaches you to play with your food. Have your partner take a provocative photo shoot of you eating bananas; throw cotton candy grapes into one another's mouths and applaud each other's powerful brilliance for every time the cellulose crumbles beneath your canines with a submissive pop. Wear a golden robe and glass slippers to the grocery store and be on the lookout for a dish that's named after you.


The Virgo Mystery School teaches you that the most exciting part of eating dinner is doing the dishes, lest you make something that requires no dishes at all. To eat the Virgo way is to be a minimalist, perhaps sticking to one or two ingredients per meal. This way, you can track the digestion of each food through your intestines, and can even monitor their presence in your poop! And if Virgo's really feeling the rhythm, she might do well counting the number of chews in each bite...extraordinary therapeutic value. Oh, and don't forget to wash both hands for three minutes and thirty-three seconds before each meal, shaking off the water precisely thirty three degrees north of west.


The Libra Mystery School teaches you to prepare something easy to take on a sunset stroll with your beloved. That park bench sure looks cozy to snuggle up with some Lady & the Tramp style spaghetti. Try eye gazing while you eat, and notice how synchronistically the two lovers chew. Always split meals in half, and make sure it's something your partner could never make so that they'll depend on you for more.


The Scorpio Mystery School teaches you how to bless your food with sacred ritual. You may bewilder the dinner table as you channel Shakti and send each guest kundalini life force energy before beginning the meal. Not your average grace. To eat the Scorpio way is to get off on cooking just to watch life die and be reborn again in your guts. You may be turned on by the mere act of boiling water, for it feels like an exorcism and you love going to the edge in extreme heat. Too bad you accidentally exorcised all the good demons. But hey, what's wrong with a little shadow play? Oh yeah, and when your guests ask for your thriller recipe, you can't share it with them.


The Sagittarius Mystery School teaches you how to host adventurous, daring dinner party conversations that completely distract everyone from the process of eating itself. Try making something that has never been made before and offers ready debate as to its contents. Don't be afraid to entertain the whole "certified organic" conspiracy that the cult's raging about these days. And don't forget to summon each dinner guest to eat what your Ayurveda guru told you is best for their individual constitutions.


The Capricorn Mystery School teaches you how to make grocery lists and follow step-by-step recipes so that you can blame yourself (read: take responsibility) if something goes wrong and respect yourself if something goes right. Those who eat the Capricorn way complain about the tedious grocery run, but for some reason they never ask for help unloading the car. They'll carry the weight of the world in their reusable bags, but they'd never eat scapegoat's cheese.


The Aquarius Mystery School inquires as to why you even need to eat food in the first place. The teachers of these mysteries will shatters mainstream misconceptions about how much we really need to consume to feel satiated. To eat like an Aquarian is to live without much physical sustenance at all; that is to receive energy from the more subtle dimensions of reality. It is a challenge for Aquarius to eat like an average human being, and when they do try, it's a challenge for them to be fully incarnated and take delight in the denser fruits of life. If you're signed up for this mystery school, you might try inventing new cutting-edge technology that renders caloric requirements obsolete, something that enables you to lucid dream your calories into being.


The Pisces Mystery School teaches you to endure the pain of giving birth to a food baby...the bloating, constipation, and eventual release. Students of these mysteries are asked to grieve the loss of their food, having faith that they'll feel ecstatic when they finally eliminate the last remains. To eat like a true Piscean would be to swallow something poisonous just to purge all of their own shit they ate in days past...or those nasty leftovers they just couldn't resist. A master student of these mysteries embodies the essence of, "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food," as they learn to alchemize medicinal elixirs and serve humanity. Don't forget to make enough medicine for yourself now, Pisces.


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